“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” - Jerry Seinfeld

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”

Mark Twain

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”

Brian Gerald O’Driscoll

se cheama licenta poetica

De-as fi salcie pa mal
M-as pisa in rau vietii....

And then it hit me I knew this was bound to be the beginning if the end of my life, or at least my life as I knew it. The moment I realised I wish I was someone else.
I found myself crying out on a bench in front of the It Service building, starring at the Asian kids in front of me. I never knew Korean from Chinese or Japanese. Somehow I'm not ashamed to say it. I care not for political correctness. Even if I'm in England now.
And there I was, eyes in tears wishing I was one of them. I didn't even knew what they were but my God in that second I would have given anything to be one of them.
Not even someone in particular, not a name, not a face, not even a gender, I had them in front of me so in my racist, small and unfitted Eastern European mind I wanted to be one of them. Anyone but myself. Anything but myself.
I got up thinking 'the fuck with all this!'. As expected, that didn't help. I walked two feet away and rolled a fag, eyes still in tears, still wishing I was someone else. Anyone else, anything else. I wanted to call my mother and tell her everything. Everything? No, not everything.
'Who the fuck am I?!'
I started walking around aimlessly, thinking about the storm inside of me, the pain in my chest and the blood. All the blood.
And I was trying to figure out who I was and what I should do and I tried to remember I had faith and I tried to remember all the wise words but it was all a blank.
Who the fuck was I?!

me again

• • I thought I did that already........I don't really know how to make it even simpler than that.
    I'll read through it again...but I think the best things to do is for you to tell me what are you confused about?
• 
  

  
  

  
  

  • I read through and it all seems pretty clear to me. But maybe this bit made your heart stop :
    
    I can keep my distance, although it's hard - kinda like quiting smoking :L . and we don't have to have a connection :L the river doesn't really need to find the sea if you want to put it that way. it'll just bent and go towards some new sea.
    
    This shall be then my attempt to clarify:
    1) Firstly it has nothing to do with sexual intercourse or the much hated, much stupidly drained of any meaning R word (Relationship)
    2) Secondly, this has nothing to do with me wanting or even implying I want the above mentioned things
    3)thirdly, now that you've probably calmed down I shall focus more on what I mean by connection. Remember I told you all those things about how 'the key to the bloody universe' is opening up and all that crap. to be fair, in many ways that crap applies to this world in ways that are beyond my power to explain. But that's not the point. When you open up, you don't just receive, you also give, hence you connect. that's just it. you're drawn into a web of connections that's existance at it's very core. and I shall stop there before going any further
• • 4)I am listening to Dancing Queen- can't believe Jordan has it! His mum likes Abba as well.
    5)Fifthly, to try and make it simpler. you meet people everyday. LETS JUST SAY FOR THE SAKE OF IT THEY ARE ALL EQUALLY COMPLEX :L but for some reasons, whatever these reasons might be, you are only drawn to some of them. in a sense that you can only get along with some of them. this whole bondage that you establish can be of very different natures and in the same time of very different depths. So far I've only described people interacting so problem there I HOPE
    6)My God I'm back to my childhood!
    7)Now. the way we bond and interact, to some extent, depends on every individual. you have many kinds of people in the world! and many kinds of interactions and modalities that are specific to each kind and so on. it 's hard to believe but it creates a pattern at some point and you realise people are really like sheep, the vast majority of them anyway, and they're obvious and predictable once you're good at these kinda things.
• 
  

  • From now on we shall, for the sake of conversation, concentrate on two rare types of people: my kind and your kind and switch the song to 'All is said and done'.
    ***bear in mind, you said I'm hopeless when it comes to music so from here forth I shall listen to whatever junk I please and let the prophets of music culture crucify me between the likes of Polish Disco and dancehall
    
    As I was saying, for the sake of this conversation, we shall pick me and you as two representative examples of our own category. We both belong to pretty rare categories, nonetheless we are not alone.
    I guess you know us well enough - me at least- to kinda sum up how differently we interact and how striking we are in terms of what makes us who we are.
    But that doesn't really stop my kind in particular to want to connect with your kind. It' been like that ever since the world was made I think. there's even a Buddhist story I very much liked about it.
    it's strange, it doesn't have to be rule of course, but it applies to this specific case so that's why I even said it. lets just say Fins are amongst Anas' favourites , for reasons that needn't be mentioned or went into ( see 1 and 2). We just bond with your people despite the fact that it's very difficult for us.
• • My kind was always a fan of strong connections, deep ones, true ones, very open ones. It just has and I am as well. I don't do superficial, at least not for long, I have connections, I know a lot of people, I go through them to even more people, but I have very few friends. and once my friend, you're always my friend otherwise you're a name of the long list of people I've met along my way. that's how it goes. and that's how it's going to go. pretty much we're fine -anyone we meet can become a friend, anyone we meet can be just a name, things can also change, to us and to me in particular it's all the same it doesn't really matter.
    But when people like me meet people like you, it begins to matter in a sense that we begin to care what you are to us. we want you to be friends not just names...it's really strange and it doesn't make any sense ... foe reasons again that I won't go into. Of course it doesn't have to happen, frankly, it rarely does but that's not the point. the point is we wish and we want it to happen.
• • so, we don't have to be friends is what I'm saying. if you don't want to, if my way of trying to impose things and a rhythm to all this, and move things in a certain direction aren't what you want or just simply get on your nerves it's ok. you don't have to
• • and I can tone it down, although it's hard BECAUSE i AM IMPATIENT . that's what I meant.
    None of this had to lead to anything.... I told you once that I have a theory about when people like you and me meet they either grow through each other they either kill each other :L on a larger, more metaphorical scale, I wasn't joking. I WAS WRONG though. it's both. it always leads somewhere, it's not just killing time. it's a deeper kind of bondage, a deeper kinda connection, a something different from you ordinary, everyday social interaction.
• • I don't know how to explain this any further.....if it's still a mess and makes no sense, just drop it. I don't think I can be any more ( and in the same time less ) clear.

him

• • Pretty stoned right now
    
    
• • Now Ana, you remember I overthink things here, so break it down, nice and easy for me, to avoid ANY confusion...

me

• • for the first time in God knows how long I took some time off to think hings through. I remembered why I don't do it...it don't work :L.
    I thought about a lot of things, and realised I could say a fuck tone of shit.that sudden realisation, as it usually happens in my case, brings out an incredible urge to actually go ahead and say it. I swear it is an inhumane urge to speak out, somewhat like trying not have an erection in front of a naked stripper. Bu thank God it usually happens at 3 in the morning and I can manage to somehow convince myself to at least wait til the next morning -Story of my life-
• • what usually happens then is I realise once more I lack patience. You couldn't believe all the trouble lack of patience can cause.Really! I think it is one of the worst bad habits a human being can have. Just looking back on my life I can easily come up with a huge list of lets just say- unfortunate things that lack of patience causes or brings or at least leads you to. And it's never just lack of patience all alone in itself. it always comes with things like short temper, anxiousness, sharpness, fidgeting and many other things that essentially are a pointless waste of time. And really never materialise into anything good either.
• • But bottom line is I lack it. technically, I've been diagnosed with a lot of, more or less severe, mental illnesses in my life. I think my real 'problem' is lack of patience but it's mine.
    So what I'm getting at is : I'm sorry I've said what I've said. I'm generally hurt when people put up barriers and walls in front of me or when they block me out. I'm not saying there are a lot of people like you in the world, but I've met my fair share . That's my fault as well because I'm drawn to your kind like a river to the sea :L it sounds cheesy but it's really the best way to put it. Why this magnetic attraction your kind has on me- that's another story. It just does. And your kind is the one with the walls and all the blocking out and all the general isolation that comes with your nature. So I'm literally saying it's not your fault, it's mine.
    Why such things are important to me...I don't think you'll understand. Not many people do. And by that I probably mean about 3 ...but anyway!
• • I lack patience so I'm always gonna try and enforce my own rhythm. And I know it don't work. and I'm gonna want you to open up to me much sooner than later because I'm impatient. I'm gonna want you to say 'I love you' then and there, not two arguments and a made up revelation later...I know it's wrong, especially with people like you, but I'm impatient and that's my fault.
    Things is you don't have to open up to me. and yeah that kills me because I want you to , but I guess it takes two to tango. I can keep my distance, although it's hard - kinda like quitting smoking :L . and we don't have to have a connection :L the river doesn't really need to find the sea if you want to put it that way. it'll just bent and go towards some new sea.
     I didn't think this over, thinking doesn't really work for me. it just gets me confused....and maybe I should have. But I figured saying it like it is can't hurt all that much. have a good one
    don't leave me hanging here :L even a one liner would do...just say something :L

13 the girls

As I put the phone down I realise I had no chance of going back to my reading. It's like trying to go back to sleep after someone woke you up giving you bad news.
As usual in the past three days, Veronica was there.
-So now you can't even talk to your own brother?!
-Oh please don't start!
-He's the only family we've got left!
-Will you please just shut up! Shut up for a goddamn second and stop making such a fucking drama out of everything?!
And she remained quiet for a while, pouting, fidgeting, uncomfortably lighting up a cigarette and loudly puffing out the smoke.
I put my knees to my chest and lid up a fag as I glanced outside into the pale white sunlight.
-It's not that we can't talk to him anymore. Just not now. I'm not ready to talk to him now.
-But you hesitated.
- No. You hesitated! That doesn't mean shit! ...Now please lets just stop talking about it.
-You want to talk about something less painful?
-I guess.
-But it's gonna be more uncomfortable.
-No shit?! Did you ever just take a break Ver?! Not think about all this crap?! Just let your mind wonder off?!
-Clearly you're not a writer.
-Clearly I'm not.
That's just about the time Sofia showed up. Without a noise, just like the ghost of her own phantomatic presence. As usual she gave Veronica a stern look. As usual, Veronica smirked with half her mouth, killed her fag in the ashtray, and got up with a pout fucking off God knows where. Probably on the shore.
-Sorry she's giving you a hard time, said Sophia while sitting down on the king chair with a proper posture and a proper position. She's just as hurt as you are you know.
-Sophia, why are you back?
-Believe it or not, you summoned us.
-How? Why even?!
-To answer your first question, I don't know. And as for your second, you're the only one that can answer that.
-I figured it has to be something like that.
We sat there in silence for a while. Sofia smoked as well. But in a lot more elegant manner. She blows the smoke out quietly, holds her cigarettes with a light grip, never puffs and takes her time to exhale the smoke almost like she's making sure she's not blowing it up in anyone's face. If it weren't for the smell and the click of her silver pencil lighter you wouldn't even know she's smoking.
-Mum gave us that didn't she?!
-Back in the days when Ana still thought she could lie about it, yes.
-Whatever happened to the gold one?
-Margaret has that one. Veronica wanted it obviously, but I managed to talk her out of it.
-She couldn't keep a lighter to save her life.
-My point exactly. You know, despite her being difficult, it's not that hard to reason with her if you know how to approach the matter.
-I guess. People loved her after all.
-I think they were fond of her most.
-She can drive you crazy though. Actually she does that most of the time.
-It's part of the reason why people love her.
-I guess.
And we stood there in silence for another long while.
-I haven't seen Margaret, I say.
-Well you know her, she doesn't really come out often. I wouldn't worry about it.
-Is it not the time yet?
-Only you know that. 
-Soph!
-You mind is a storm right now. You wander off, but the storm cathces up with you. Better put, the storm's everywhere. You just have to wait for it to pass.
-Didn't we learn to inforce the silence?!
-That was a really long time ago. And those were more tricks rather than methods, but I don't really need to be telling you all this.
 I hesitated a bit before answering that.
- I know.

12 lunch by the AIDS memorial

-Do you feel like talking now?
    I hesitated before I gave him an answer.
-No....I'm not quite ready yet.
-Alright.
-How are you doing?
-Nothing much. Laying in the bath tub, drinking beer and eating crackers. The usual July Sunday afternoon...not that I really expect you to remember how 36 degrees feels like.
-To be honest, it's about 20 now and this is one of the hot days.
-I forgot how the wind feels like.
-...Are we really going to talk about the weather?
-We can talk about your day if you don't like the topic of weather. Although I thought it was a British fashion.
-My day?
-Yeah. You know like those conversations where you make a list of the actions that occurred between the moment you woke up and the present moment adding things that you consider to be relevant. Of course for my sake you can even leave out the things that are irrelevant.
   I pause a bit. I don't really know if he's being who he thinks I want him to be of just being his mourning self.
 -Ok. The phone woke me up at 12 30.
-I'm guessing it was your'carer'.
-...Yes.
-Well go ahead.
-...I thought that was irrelevant enough already.
-No. I'll stop you when we reach that point. Carry on.
-I went downstairs and made us some coffee as he made us lunch. He told me we were about to go eat in the park so I put it all in thermos mugs. I wasn't really awake so I followed him there the whole way. We got into the park, he stopped at a place he likes, sat down and I fallowed him throughout. We sat down and had lunch by the AIDS memorial.
-Why there?
-It happened to be behind us.
-Were you talking?
-Not until we finished eating. He might not seem like it, but he's the kind of person you can enjoy a comfortable moment of silence with.
-Good. Then what?
-We began to talk as we smoked. Nothing too important, just everyday stuff, a few jokes, some healthy laughter to start the day. After we finished our cigarettes he got up and left for work. I stood there a bit finishing my coffee. I probably had a few more fags. Then I picked up after ourselves and went back.
-What did you have to eat?
-...Does it even matter?!
-Yes.
-....Sandwiches.
-Sounds nice. Actually I wouldn't mind having that kinda life.
-Yeah it's not bad.
-Then what did you do?
-You seriously haven't had enough?!
-Well if you don't mind going on I wouldn't mind either.
   I was convinced by this point that he was trying to prove a point. And probably the best thing to do was to let him prove it.
-It was sunny so I decided to take my laptop with me, go down to the beach and read.
-...What?
-Murakami.
   He paused for a bit obviously mulling it over and making a list of conclusions he drew along the way.
-Which one?
-Wild Sheep Chase.
-Didn't you already read that one?
   It was my first Murakami book. I  was very sceptical when I first saw it. I remember looking at the guy with a very displeased glance, and I also remember I made it clear I felt really insulted. Little did I know that I was about to fall for Murakami like for no other before him.
-I thought I'd read it again before 'Dance Dance Dance'.
-Oh. So ..does it bring back the memories?
-It has a different feel to it. Probably because it's in English...and off a laptop.
-Fair enough. They're not really related you know?
-Who?
-The books.
-Oh. Well I figured it couldn't hurt.
-I guess it doesn't. How was the beach?
-Except for it being rocky, it was nice. A bit crowded since it was a sunny day.
-Figures.
-Why do you want to know all this?
-Because I'm your brother.
   Just like that. Without hesitation, without cushion. There was no question, no space for any arguments. Just like you breath in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide, he was my brother.
-I'm fine. I'm not going to do anything 'stupid'.
-Yeah it sounds like you're perfectly fine.
-Don't you ever grow tired of sarcasm!?
-Do you ever grow tired of sarcasm?!
-....
-Anyway. I wasn't being sarcastic. By the looks of it you're perfectly fine. Except for the voice.
-I'm fine.
-You should clear out your voice a little bit. Maybe drink some tea. Eat something and put a little more life into it. Then you'll actually be able to convince anyone that you are, without a doubt, perfectly fine.

11 the funeral

I hear the door to my room opening up with a creek. In a few seconds he was right next to me. I open my eyes slowly, like lifting a heavy rock. I don’t want to but I have to.

-Why haven’t you been answering my calls?!

-What day is it today?

-Saturday. Why haven’t you been answering my calls?! I think I called you about 10 times in the last 2 days.

-When did you get back?

-Just 10 minutes ago. Did you hear me?!

I didn’t want to answer him, but I had to. Like lifting a heavy rock you have to get out of the way.

-Sorry. I kept missing your calls and didn’t have any credit. I didn’t mean to worry you.

-I thought you fucked off or something happened.

I fake a smile. I’m pretty sure the effort that took killed a good part of me. Or at least felt like it did.

-Don’t worry. I’m not going anywhere until you kick me out.

-Good.

He paused a bit looking around the room and then he added:

-You need to clean this place up.

-I will. I knew that would make him happy so I was planning on doing it.

-Nicola told me you were acting pretty odd last night.

-Really?

-Yeah. You would say random stuff in the middle of the conversation or just burst out laughing.

-Oh. I was just joking around.

I wanted to add that everything is pretty funny when you’re sedated but I decided to keep that to myself and instead I added

-Plus you know her. She’s pretty odd.

-Yeah. We’ll I’m off to work in about an hour. Now that you’re awake anyway…you want to have coffee with me?!

I wish I wasn’t awake, but I was. I was I was still sedated but I wasn’t. I wish he wouldn’t know me so well.

-Yeah. Coffee sounds great. I’ll be down in a bit.

He smiled, got up and walked towards the door. Just before he went out he turned back to the bed and asked:

-Did anything happen while I was away?

I held back all the memories that wanted to burst out and overlap reality sticking them  back into the darkness of my mind. I held back my tears and paused for a bit before answering him.

-No. Life went on as usual.

-Good!

He smiles again and walks out. Left alone, awake, sober I hold back the tears and try to ignore the complete loneliness that covered me. I’m pretty sure the effort that took killed a part of me. It didn’t just feel like it.


-So what did you do in the past few days?
Fresh coffee was waiting for me as I walked into the living room and so was that question.
-You're the one that went home to have fun. I should be asking you!
-It was alright yeah. Went out with friends....
-Nice quality time with the family?
-Yeah.
-Standard good times?
-Pretty much.
-I missed you, you know?! And a part of me wished I was lieing, but I wasn't.
-Awww. Romania! Well I'm back now.
-Treating me like I'm retarded again.
-Well you're not exactly an English oral are you?!
-No. I'm an Eastern European Oral!

After he left I went down to the sea and attended my brother's funeral.

10 the perspectives of routine

I was about to be left all alone in a huge house with Bristol on my mind as a perspective.

"Yeah Romania's on the couch.Alright. No she doesn't mind....Ok...You sure?!..Alright.I'll tell her!"

I didn't mind him calling me Romania. To be honest I kinda liked it. Laying there on the 'king chair' with my feet collapsed on the sofa, a fag in my mouth, and warm coffee-I never drink or make hot coffee- in my hands I even thought about reinventing myself under a name like Romy, Rom even Ronnie.

'Yeah. She knows about Bristol....Course I don't fucking mind Jo. I'm the one that wanted her to live here!"

I was thinking it couldn't be that bad. But I was also thinking it can't really get any worse than this either although it could have quite easily.
-What did Jo say!?
-Well firstly, he invited you to camp with us ...again.
-Do you want me to come?
-Yes. Why would even ask me that?!
-Well...it's pretty much you, I barely know Jo and your friends that I never met. Seems like a pretty private sesh to me.
-Jo wanted you to come along because he thinks you're cool and he figured you'd be alone for quite a long time.

I spent a while thinking about it. I couldn't make a decision. I was neither rational, neither spontaneous when it came to leaving. I just left when it felt right or simply didn't when it felt wrong. I wasn't being precocious, nor was I being foolish when it came to leaving. I just trusted my instincts, much like in everything else. Even more so since I was homeless. 

-What was the other thing?
-I told him you're sleeping on the couch so he said to give you his room.
-That's really nice of him! Thank him please.
-Maybe you'll do it yourself.

 I barely knew Jo. Come to think of it, I never even heard of all the people that knew Romania. I thought about it, and I realised 'my savior, my knight in shining armor' was probably making me seem a lot better than I actually was. And then I realised he was yet another name on the list. A name on the list of boys and men, that replaced my father and took care of me, not in a metaphorical sense, in the most painfully literal sense there is. I was about to be for ever grateful but there was nothing I could ever be capable to give back in return for all that. Funny enough, there was never any 'returning the favoour' expected.

-What do you wanna eat today when you get back?

No church in the wild!

Human being to the mob
What’s a mob to a king?
What’s a king to a god?
What’s a god to a non-believer?
Who don’t believe in anything?

I spent my whole life driving in cars with boys

As I walk out of the shower I take a quick glimpse at you lying there on the couch with a book in your hands. You seem very concentrated, fully devoted to your reading but I know very well that you heard me. I move across the room and slowly bend over while I wrap my arms around your neck. I stand like that for a bit making sure you stopped reading. My hands slide underneath your shirt, I begin to massage your shoulders with a tight grip and as my wet hair caresses your cheek, I whisper in your ear ‘Is it any good?’ .

Knowing exactly what’s on my mind you decide to play a bit before giving in to your senses. You answer with a very detached, indifferent tone without moving your eyes from your book ‘Could be better’. I grin. I love playing this game. I begin to gently nibble your ear as I slide my hands from your shoulders down to your  chest and lower  them to your stomach slowly caressing your body.  I can hear your breath shallow as you try not to hum. ‘Better now?!”

You turn your head to me as our breaths caress each other’s face, stare deep into my eyes with your mouth slightly opened, put on a cheeky smile and say ‘Just a lil bit’ then turn your face back to your book.

I pout although we both know I love it when you tease me like that. I stand up and move towards you, my towel falls on the floor as I get on top you. I can feel you rock hard dick through your jeans right underneath my clit and I begin to crave the sensation of having you inside me even more. I start to slowly caress my breast as the cool air gives me soft shivers and water still drops down my wet body.” How about now?”

You drop your book as you stare at me animalistically. I grin with satisfaction feeling that you’re all mine. You grab me and pull me towards you, your mouth seeks mine. As my tongue finds yours , your hands graze all over my wet back and your grip gets tighter as you lower them down to my ass. I love the way your tongue plays in my mouth, the way you caress my back makes me tingle with pleasure, the desire with which your hands grab me makes me want you more and more.

I pull away slowly biting your tongue as we break our long kiss. I lower my body and I open your jeans to find your erect dick, I look at you perversely and say: ‘Not yet’ as I love the way in which we tease each other. I slowly begin to pull up your shirt. My fingers lead the way as my tongue and wet lips trace a line of soft kisses to your chest.  As I reach your neck you quickly stand up, pull off your shirt and wrap your hands around me pulling me back into a kiss. This time you lower one hand all the way down to my clit massaging it gently as you slowly slide one finger inside me. My body starts to spasm with pleasure as you tease by changing the rhythm in which you just tickle my clit. You feel me wanting to pull away as my back arches with pleasure, but you grab me tightly pressing my mouth against yours. As I move my head I begin to softly moan in your ear. My voice begs for more as I moan out your name. With one hand you grab my wet hair as with the other you put another finger inside me beginning to fuck me, slowly, then quickly as my moans grow load against your ear and I begin to bite your shoulders and your neck.  My body quivers as I fully give in to your teasing rhythm and the waves of pleasure that course through my body. I grind against your body as I near orgasm. I scream out your name as I feel I’m almost there but you stop, letting go of your grip as you pull your hand away from my clit.

As you liberate me with a cheeky smile, my hands clench into fists and I  playfully hit your letting out a revolted ‘Bastard!’.  You grin holding back your laughter as you love teasing me like that and you know exactly what’s about to come. I stand up quickly pushing myself against you as I straddle, changing  my balance and moving down as my hand  tightly grabs your fully erect dick rubbing it against my still wet and hot pussy . Your hands reach for me as I slide your dick inside me. A moan escapes from my throat and I just stand still for a bit enjoying the feeling of your length. 

Your hands grab my waist as I lean forward slowly rocking my hips. I press against you as I want you stay there, laying on your back. I start to move faster rolling my hips up and down as my breasts begin to bounce. Your hands wonder all over my body, sometimes gently grazing my skin, sometimes grabbing me with a firm grip. As you lay your hands on my breast I give in to the wild pleasure that crushes our bodies and I feel that we’re both close to cumming. Your grunts grow louder and you close your eyes as your hands grab my breasts. My moans turn to screams as I press against you more and more, grinding my clit against your skin. I feel my pussy clenching tight against your pulsating dick . I tilt my head back bending my back as my hips swirl faster against yours. The heat of our bodies, the sweat on out flesh the cursed sounds of the pleasure flowing through us. We both give in and as I let out a long moan.  Out of breath, I straighten my back, pull back my head as I feel your hot cum inside me . I lay my body on yours as your hands wrap around me and hold me tight and as we lay there in ecstasy I look into your eyes and put on a cheeky smile while I say ‘ How about a shower?’.

They say I'm wasting time, they said that I'm no good
'Cause Imma love my life, not doing what I should
Call me poison ivy 'cause I'm far from good
Pretty from afar, like a dark star

They say I'm dangerous, they think I'm really bad,
I'm just making up for what I never had
Go out at night whenever I feel sad
Oh this drive by love got me crazy like a drug

I wear my wig, lipstick, got my make up on
Stumble into trouble, siren with a sad song
They all got girlfriends but i'm the one that they want

Miss America with the blue mascara on

I spent my whole life driving in cars with boys,
Riding 'round town drinking in the white noise
Used to talk about where we've been and where we go.
Now we know, baby, now we know
Spent my whole life wasted in bars with boys
Playing rock n roll dancing in the loud noise
Used to talk about where we've been and where we go.
Now we know, baby, now we know

 I was in the bank today, posting something to a friend while humming 'Baby, life is more than just making copies and drinking coffee' when -the irony- I get a phone call from certain Mr. Reece, letting me know everything is fine and if not, I have another interview on Wednesday for an alternative position that he spoke to me about. I thanked Mr. Reece while re was reassuring me he'll get back to me tomorrow and that I should feel free to call him anytime, because after all, he's working for me . I felt the need to correct that with a more professional and politically correct 'on my behalf' but I let it drop. I figured he must hate his job too....When I ended the call I realised I have an agent.....

-Here! Have a cookie!
-Oh thank you! You're so kind!
-I like to take care of the homeless! Oh my god! You are homeless!
We both bursted out laughing. I was. And he was kind enough to take care of me.


To shake capitalism off I went back 'home', took the clothes out and started folding top man t-shirts and man boxers, putting them up to dry.
I left a bag of clothes next to the washing machine last night. When I woke up in the morning, my clothes were drying up in the living room, nicely folded, smelling fresh. It's been years, good years since somebody did that for me. it's been a long time since I feel that feeling of comfort, that feeling that only gestures like 'I have no problem with folding your panties and your bras ' can offer. It smells like home, it feels natural, it does not care for social norms or boundaries, it makes you feel alive that feeling.
And I was hanging man boxers and putting them to dry up I thought to myself 'maybe this is what home feels like'.



The dickheads laughing in the library and loudly blaming each other when people stare. The broke kids that nick toilet paper from public bathrooms. The boy and the girl that sing along to 'Area Codes' while washing dishes. The friends that share whatever's in the fridge regardless of who bought it and wash each others clothes. The kids that fight with sticks during business calls. The teenagers that start moaning during family calls. The immature adults that mime blowjobs during friend calls. The grown ups that drink ten mugs of tea during the late night movie....that's me and him. That's us.

All I want is the best for our lives my dear,
and you know my wishes are sincere.
Whats to say for the days I cannot bare.
A Sunday smile you wore it for a while
A Sunday mile we paused and sang. A Sunday smile you wore it for a while
A Sunday mile we paused and sang.
A Sunday smile and we felt true(and) We burnt to the ground left a view to admire
with buildings inside church of white.
We burnt to the ground left a grave to admire.
And as we reach for the sky, reach the church of white

In the wise words of Murakami...

We can go out for a bite or whatever. Don't be a stranger, okay? 'Even
chance meetings'... how does the rest of that go?"
"'Are the result of karma.'"
"Right, right," she says. "But what does it mean?"
"That things in life are fated by our previous lives. That even in the
smallest events there's no such thing as coincidence."
She sits there on her yellow suitcase, notebook in hand, giving it some
thought. "Hmm... that's a kind of philosophy, isn't it. Not such a bad way of
thinking about life. Sort of a reincarnation, New Age kind of thing. But, Kafka,
remember this, okay? I don't go around giving my cell phone number to just
anybody. You know what I mean?"

In traveling, a companion, in life, compassion.

"'In traveling, a companion, in life, compassion,'" she repeats, making sure

of it. If she had paper and pencil, it wouldn't surprise me if she wrote it down.

"So what does that really mean? In simple terms."

I think it over. It takes me a while to gather my thoughts, but she waits

patiently.

"I think it means," I say, "that chance encounters are what keep us going.

In simple terms."

She mulls that over for a while, then slowly brings her hands together on

top of the table and rests them there lightly. "I think you're right about that--

that chance encounters keep us going."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmXZuv5BaHg

Baby you need to leave,
cause I'm getting drunk on your noble deeds.
It doesn't matter that they don't get done,
when I feel this cold they're like the fucking sun.

Baby I need a friend,
but I'm a vampire smile, you'll meet a sticky end.
I'm here trying not to bite your neck,
but it's beautiful and I'm gonna get...

...so drunk on you and kill your friends.
You'll need me and we can be obsessed.
And I can touch your hair and taste your skin,
the ghosts won't matter 'cause we'll hide in sin.
Oh oooo...

Baby you have a choice,
cause you burn my ears with your magic voice.
I'm a paper doll, you can tear me up,
We'll be the broken lovers with the poison cup.
And we'll draw in breaths like we don't have air,
Oh god, look at me, don't you ever care...
that I'm dying in the cupboard underneath the stairs?
Steps stamp on above my head.

Baby you're cruel to me,
but you see I love it when you make me plead.
I want a scar that looks just like you,
'till then I gotta learn to be a wiser fool.

Baby you need to leave,
and I know you know...
that's why you keep ignoring me...
because if you don't,
gonna run me down, let myself go...

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SMART ENOUGH AT SCHOOL DOESN'T MEAN YOU WILL NOT GET SUCCES IN THE FUTURE

-What smart people fear and stupid people use to comfort themselves-

9 ish

As I arrived I felt like I didn't belong there anymore. Truth is I didn't, the Spanish summer school bunch did. I had about 3 hours to kill in the library....so I figured I might as well walk up to the flat. I wasn't going to get madly depressed and I most certainly was too numb to cry , but I decided it wouldn't do me good after all. I felt too much like a stranger to be capable to feel in any way comforted by the 'old version of home'.
I couldn't get my brother out of my mind. I thought I should call him for his birthday, but I soon abandoned that thought. Truth is I didn't know what to say to him. Even more truthful is that I knew he didn't have anything to say to me either. His birthday usually coincided with my grandmother's death so my mum dragged us along to the funeral processions as if she had forgotten all about everything else. Truth is I think she always did. I used to sneak away with him to the deserted train station near the cemetery and go walk down on the railway to 'our spot'. We sat down, had some beers, had a laugh. The only rule was we wouldn't talk about stupid nor about serious things. We would just laugh. The thought that no one was there to sneak away with him would have broken me so I got rid of it as I sat down and typed my name into a nice, formal e-mail.

9 coming back

I woke up wondering where I am....  I  had a flash back of the naked girl  that came into that room last night, pulled off my covers looked at me intensively as I turned around with the usual calm I treat druggies and asked "what is it?". She looked at me, while standing there naked articulating a " Would you...?". I must have said "no" as she ran out. I realised I sure as fuck am in England even though I dreamt of my brother as if he were with me. I gazed out the window for a few seconds trying to figure out the city and as I looked around the room I remembered.

The cigarette smoke made me dizzy. I thought to myself : "It mush have been years..." and I wasn't wrong.

I had many questions in my mind that I was struggling to put aside and just politely stare at the seaside as if I was  somehow obliged to do so every morning. Like a ritual I had to perform while I'm here.

"Did you sleep well?". That pulled out of my trance for a bit.

"Yeah."

"Was the room too cold?"

"No. Really. Everything was great. You know me in the morning."

"You want me to make you some coffee?"

"No. Cheers. I'll be off to campus anyway. I'll stop for a Starbucks on the way 'cause I need the wi-fi."

"I'm sorry! Monday..."

"Stop! You're being a great host really. Just stop it!"

"You need any help with the luggage?"

"No it's alright. Just go to Braxhill! And have fun. I'm gonna be alright."

"Should I give you keys?"

"We'll work something out."

I stupidly left with no keys and no way to get into the house, practically locking myself out with a long day and a tone of luggage. It's a good thing that boy loves me 'cause otherwise he wouldn't have ran after me.... or given me a home. He did his best to offer me a home, it certainly wasn't his fault I was at home only on the road. He was trying so hard so I had to try and be happy, but that morning I couldn't put on any makeup so I really couldn't be anyone else but Ana. 

As I sat down I thought about my brother and what I said that night on the terrace.That night, I cursed him to suffer and be mortal with tears in my eyes and desperation in my voice...I ran away from the thought that reminded me why I did that. I also ran away from the thought that reminded me my curse was coming true. It was his birthday, but Ana couldn't really think about that.

I opened my laptop and read my promised 'sex story'. I lack the will and the words to talk or think about it, but I didn't lack the will or the words to crush the man that was reading it along with me. 

As I felt his eyes over the screen I threw quick, meaningful looks his way but he didn't stop. He was in his thirties by the looks of it, and enjoyed watching more than doing. So I rolled myself a fag and got up.
'Long distance. What can you do?!' My smile must have been beautiful 'cause he left straight after and I could see him stumbling as he walked away. I figured today wasn't a bad day at all.

This life is just starting to get worth it