-Why did you start smoking, Ana?!
Moments like that, moments of what people call coincidence stopped frightening me a very long time ago. Not because I could understand, because I could believe. And I do not believe in coincidence. Intellectuals gazed at me while thinking : I pity the fool. I thought the same - difference is I said it! When you're not an intellectual you don't fear to speak your mind. Intellectuals call it small talk, ignorance, stupidity even. I call it 'saying it like it is' and I'm the one that takes the risk of speaking her mind!
I don't believe in making a statement for eternity in the same way I don't believe in fairy-tales. I don't believe that my truth today will be my truth tomorrow, and that's because I don't believe in the future. Intellectuals seek universal truth - that's why they speak little and make it sound grave as if they're speaking trough and in the name of a supreme God. That's also why they talk shit, contradict themselves and always end up reaching the comforting conclusion that existence is futile and life is a paradox. It's almost an excuse for being wrong.
-...I can't really remember, babe.
-When did you smoke for the first time?
Looking at him I realised he never needed me, not really. But I wanted him to need me, I needed him to think he needs me - and I am notorious for getting what I want. Still, until this day he did not truly need me. I stared at one of the few, if not the only, men in my life that was the same even after he met and was yet to be the same even after me being long gone. 'Incredible' is what I thought! 'this kid is incredible'. I all honesty I was amazed. I was astonished even, not because of my arrogance. No!  Even I have my limits! I know I'm not one of those "awesome" individuals that light up the room with a smile, come into people's lives like rain the desert, spread happiness and preach hope.Heaven forbid! I am a leach. I drain out life, hope, love, energy, money, affection, comfort -pretty much all there is to it - out of ...well out of anyone that crosses my way really: there is no such thing as too little or too small. I drain what I lack like a leach drains out blood. And like a leach I get stuck to my "victim". I rarely get the change to leave out of my own will- I'm mostly removed. And for reasons that far surpass my capacity to understand, people still love me. How do I do it?! I'm taking that one to the grave hoping I'll find out myself....When I walk I leave behind exhaustion, desperation, relief, fuck knows really what a leach leaves her 'victim' feeling- but people are never the same once they've met me..... He was still the same..