1 bad habits

I was looking at the smoke coming out of the ashtray. No one was smoking, no one was in there but me. There was a certain calm serenity to that that silence. There was a certain peaceful somewhat breathless, somewhat deadly tranquility to that day and I couldn't explain why.
I was thinking about the day when my friends tried to convince me to stop cursing. They believed, like many other friends, acquaintances and neither of those before them, that my language was a bit loose, a bit too violent and somewhat often too colourful. I didn't try  to explain that I speak many languages and it's not so much a matter of vocabulary as it is a matter of expressing myself. I don't believe in a  proper way to speak in the same way I don't believe in a proper way to express yourself, but I do believe in that feeling of warmness and accomplishment that a parent has when he lets his 3 year old have his way in a matter that need not concern him or anybody else, but the child feels he is right about. I guess it has to do with a child's first experience of ethics: you should encourage them for the sake of it before life makes him through them away. So I accepted  to be "house trained". The deal was for every time I cursed I had to give up a cigarette.
I think I ended up giving away a whole 2 packs by the end of that day. Funny thing was I cursed more than usual. I had it on my mind so much. It's like when someone tells you not to think about elephants. What's the first thing that comes to mind?
As I poured a bit of water in the ashtray just to hear the fire dying out I thought I always had that (so they call it) problem. Even when I wasn't speaking English and home still had the standard meaning I still cursed a lot. I think it was in my nature to rebel against the norms really, cause cursing was not the only thing people attempted to 'house train' me on. I think I smiled at that thought, but I'm not really sure 'cause someone's shouting interrupted my thought flow. I can see why shouting can be annoying to some, at some points even I find it to be so and I curse a lot. I don't shout though, not when I want to be heard at least. Not that I don't believe shouting is the best and easiest way to be heard. I'm just too arrogant to make myself heard in that way! My ego needs me to make myself heard even when I don't say a word. That's how my pride works. Some want credit, some want props, some want respect, some want appreciation, some want fame and some want immortality. I just want to be heard.... and I accept that as my sin if that's what it takes.