me

• • for the first time in God knows how long I took some time off to think hings through. I remembered why I don't do it...it don't work :L.
    I thought about a lot of things, and realised I could say a fuck tone of shit.that sudden realisation, as it usually happens in my case, brings out an incredible urge to actually go ahead and say it. I swear it is an inhumane urge to speak out, somewhat like trying not have an erection in front of a naked stripper. Bu thank God it usually happens at 3 in the morning and I can manage to somehow convince myself to at least wait til the next morning -Story of my life-
• • what usually happens then is I realise once more I lack patience. You couldn't believe all the trouble lack of patience can cause.Really! I think it is one of the worst bad habits a human being can have. Just looking back on my life I can easily come up with a huge list of lets just say- unfortunate things that lack of patience causes or brings or at least leads you to. And it's never just lack of patience all alone in itself. it always comes with things like short temper, anxiousness, sharpness, fidgeting and many other things that essentially are a pointless waste of time. And really never materialise into anything good either.
• • But bottom line is I lack it. technically, I've been diagnosed with a lot of, more or less severe, mental illnesses in my life. I think my real 'problem' is lack of patience but it's mine.
    So what I'm getting at is : I'm sorry I've said what I've said. I'm generally hurt when people put up barriers and walls in front of me or when they block me out. I'm not saying there are a lot of people like you in the world, but I've met my fair share . That's my fault as well because I'm drawn to your kind like a river to the sea :L it sounds cheesy but it's really the best way to put it. Why this magnetic attraction your kind has on me- that's another story. It just does. And your kind is the one with the walls and all the blocking out and all the general isolation that comes with your nature. So I'm literally saying it's not your fault, it's mine.
    Why such things are important to me...I don't think you'll understand. Not many people do. And by that I probably mean about 3 ...but anyway!
• • I lack patience so I'm always gonna try and enforce my own rhythm. And I know it don't work. and I'm gonna want you to open up to me much sooner than later because I'm impatient. I'm gonna want you to say 'I love you' then and there, not two arguments and a made up revelation later...I know it's wrong, especially with people like you, but I'm impatient and that's my fault.
    Things is you don't have to open up to me. and yeah that kills me because I want you to , but I guess it takes two to tango. I can keep my distance, although it's hard - kinda like quitting smoking :L . and we don't have to have a connection :L the river doesn't really need to find the sea if you want to put it that way. it'll just bent and go towards some new sea.
     I didn't think this over, thinking doesn't really work for me. it just gets me confused....and maybe I should have. But I figured saying it like it is can't hurt all that much. have a good one
    don't leave me hanging here :L even a one liner would do...just say something :L