And then it hit me I knew this was bound to be the beginning if the end of my life, or at least my life as I knew it. The moment I realised I wish I was someone else.
I found myself crying out on a bench in front of the It Service building, starring at the Asian kids in front of me. I never knew Korean from Chinese or Japanese. Somehow I'm not ashamed to say it. I care not for political correctness. Even if I'm in England now.
And there I was, eyes in tears wishing I was one of them. I didn't even knew what they were but my God in that second I would have given anything to be one of them.
Not even someone in particular, not a name, not a face, not even a gender, I had them in front of me so in my racist, small and unfitted Eastern European mind I wanted to be one of them. Anyone but myself. Anything but myself.
I got up thinking 'the fuck with all this!'. As expected, that didn't help. I walked two feet away and rolled a fag, eyes still in tears, still wishing I was someone else. Anyone else, anything else. I wanted to call my mother and tell her everything. Everything? No, not everything.
'Who the fuck am I?!'
I started walking around aimlessly, thinking about the storm inside of me, the pain in my chest and the blood. All the blood.
And I was trying to figure out who I was and what I should do and I tried to remember I had faith and I tried to remember all the wise words but it was all a blank.
Who the fuck was I?!