6 so they told me

He told me one day that I can't just sit and do nothing. And my God was he right about it!
I put Salinger down - he's a great reed especially in English- 'cause my hands were numb and cold. I didn't felt like reading anymore, but I also didn't feel like anything else.
"I was a madman." that was the last thing I read and it made me think that I don't like getting mad because that's how I know I care. When someone gets me mad I know I care about him..or even worse- I love him. I don't even know why I'm even saying 'someone', I'm talking about men. I never think or write about women unless they really make me ashamed to be a woman or they're my mother. I sometimes wonder how this world would look like if there were more Cleopatras and less Caesars- but about that another time. When men make me mad it's bad, not 'cause I'm mad but because I care. I particularly hate it when I am so obviously mad, there is nothing I can't do to fake it. I open up like a book, I loose my ability to twist the words around, I can't lie, I can't pretend and I can't admit. That makes matters even worse because I'm obviously mad. You really don't want to insist into making me admit I'm mad, because publicly admitting defeated gets me down. Still most of the men that get me mad do... they at least deserve that. They think they're winning a battle- that's cause I'm a very good player- but they're actually winning the war. I'm signing my own sentence and giving myself in. But they don't see that 'cause I'm a good player.
And then I remembered that I didn't feel like reading anymore, but I didn't feel like being lonely either....
Truth is I'm lonely...kinda like Holden Caulfield lonely. That's why I can't just sit and do nothing. I remember..
The worst part about being Holden Caulfield lonely is that you're like that regardless of how many people you speak to, how many people surround you, even how many people care about you. I don't think they're all phony though, I just think the majority of them are morons and for a few I care too much to admit they are.   And I was thinking a while back that, unfortunately, England is a great place for morons to grow and blossom in peace.  Unlike home when you blood pressure rises from encounters with morons, here they are leveled somehow and you can barely distinguish between them. I need to think about that some more to better explain and put it in words but that;s exactly how it is. Back home it's striking, here it's just Britishly subtle I guess....Never the less I think I miss home from that respect. At least there you could know without having to have a formed eye for stupidity and its shapes.
And just like Holden I miss Phoebe, and just like Holden I can't get to Phoebe. I think about my younger brother a lot, I also think he's great, I also think that any man with a little bit of brains or common sense should absolutely adore my brother.... or at least respect him. He's definitely not a moron.
I think this book might have taken the best of me tonight.....I get Holden...maybe a bit too much.