'Feel some inspiration. C'mon! You can do it! Feel some inspiration!'.
But the motherfucker was nowhere to be seen. So I lid another cigarette and I tilted my head backwards against the couch, just starring at the ceiling. I had many things I should have attended to, but I really didn't feel like facing reality. 'Doesn't matter!' I thought to myself, 'I'll soon face the aftermath of avoiding reality anyway'. Funny how you can't really avoid that bit.
'C'mon. A bit of luck! A bit of inspiration!'
And so I waited. I rolled myself another cigarette. I learned how to roll in the meanwhile, the proper way, not folding against the kitchen table. I lid my second cigarette and put on some Bob Dylan. A few seconds into 'The times they are a' changing' I thought to myself 'Why Bob Dylan?! Why now?!' and I let myself dreamily float away into my fresh memories. I had nothing better to after all.
And so I recalled soft touches on my skin and firm grasps of arms wrapping around me, dancing tongues, endorphins and entwined bodies. I closed my eyes and pictured it, but only for a moment 'cause the phone rang.
-You do call in the weirdest of times, you know?!
-I figured one AM would be a bit late even for you.
-Yeah... I guess.
-How are you?
'Shitting bricks, in love, afraid, homeless, alone but not so lonely anymore, damaged, worried, out of faith, full of hope.' That's probably what I should have said, instead the words that came out of my mouth were:
-I'm alright.
-Are you coming back this September?
-No.
-Are you coming back at all?!
-I'm thinking Christmas. But I'll need you to buy me the ticket for that. Anyway, we'll talk about it some other time, I still have other things to solve in the meanwhile.
-...Ok. Well I'm going home on Saturday.
-Nice. Send your sister my regards and never ending respect. Send my brother...my love.
And there it was I broke a chord inside me once more. I left him alone once more, I disspointed him and let him down. I damaged hm a bit more and made him hate life and its putrid loneliness and cold despair even more. I left my brother alone again. I had to get rid of that thought and fast.
-Will you get him a book for me?
-..Yeah. what book?
-The third volume of IQ84. Please.
-Don't worry about it.
-What have you been up to?
-Nothing much. I killed a lab rat in an experiment-chopped his head off, but at least I made some progress on that, more in 4 days than the head of the experiment in 3 weeks. So I'm not that worried.
-Sounds good. Any plans for home?
-I was talking to my sister about some business plans actually. Nothing fancy, but family runned- with my dad of course.
-Sounds pretty life-shifting to me. Sounds good.
-Yeah I guess. She didn't really like her last job either so she came up with the idea.
-Well..good luck I guess.
-Thanks!Well ...I guess I'll maybe call you from the airport.
-That sounds nice.
-You know, ...I've been thinking about family a lot more since I left.
-Of course!
-No really I might have a child of my own one day.
-I'm pretty sure you will.
-And it's gonna be joyful. I don't want him leaving me for good.
-Who does?!
-...Well..Ok then. I'll call you from the airport maybe.
-That would be nice. Have a good one.
And I hung up. No words were uttered.